Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Tuesday Grace Letters- Holding Still found Kara Tippetts and her blog, Mundane Faithfulness, a few months ago....I'd been putting off sleep, one night, and, a friend had shared a link to Kara's story, on Facebook.  Kara asked those of her followers, who are also bloggers, to join her on Tuesdays for her segment on grace letters...Today, she has asked that we compose a letter to someone whose grace has deeply impacted our we go...

There has been an abundance of grace shown to me, in my forty- three years on this earth...the faces of all of those who have loved me with unconditional fervor and steadfast support have run through my mind, like a movie, today..but for now, the floor belongs to this guy, my guy:

Dear Tom,
Sitting across from you, this afternoon, at the Dr.'s office, as we listened for a ray of hope, from a specialist who is going to be working with our son, I noticed the distance between you sat all alone on the couch, and I in an adjacent chair...and how it seems so commonplace, anymore...This is a hard season for us...and we are weary from the "hard"...from the wringing of hands...the yelling...the hopelessness of seeking answers where there seem to be none.  We are desperate and in that desperation, we blame who we can- each other.  Suddenly our sons' battles become our own...and its raw and ugly and filled with resentments and so much pain...Our love, which began as a firestorm, is, at times, barely an ember...and I feel every ounce of those statistics that say that 80% of couples with children who have special needs, have marriages that end in divorce.  Sometimes there's just nothing left to give, at the end of the day...and those days accumulate into a mountain that can seem much too steep to climb.
I was thinking, this morning, after our blowup last night, that maybe a good marriage is not made up of the easy or the fun or the comfortable...maybe the core of this commitment lies in our ability to weather the hard...and the lessons,that this hard, holds for us.  When life is a whirlwind of staggering blows, maybe the grace is in the holding still -not the clinging to the remnants of the threadbare fabric that binds us together......
I long to explore this with you...this being still.. honoring the shards of "us"- the richly hewn bond of decades of getting through- through the harrowing days of loss and grief, newborns and sleep deprivation, cancer, interstate moving, paycuts,  akathisia and the post traumatic stress of those episodes, explosive children,autism spectrum disorder...
Im longing to surrender to the battle of wanting a love that looks pretty, with soft edges and clean lines....and accepting our hard, our flawed, ....Our crooked...Our fragile...Our torn and mended. Everyday, I'm longing for you...even in my meanness....I just miss you.
Thankyou for the grace of kisses, in elevators, and of long embraces, in the kitchen, today.  Thankyou for often being the strong one...the blindly optimistic...Thankyou for seeking me out when I retreat, in darkness...but mostly, Thankyou for saying "no matter what."


Mundane Faithfulness



About Me

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Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States
Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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