Wednesday, July 20, 2011

A Second Journey Toward Healing- The Speech

"That I Would Be Good" 
that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing
that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy
that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you ---Alanis Morissette

To the souls who worked alongside of me in Florida this weekend:

Many of you asked if I would post the words of my closing statement, so that you could print them out and read them to yourselves, perhaps holding them as some of your own truths on this journey that you are undertaking right now...Let me just say, first, that I am humbled before you all.  Please know that the power and energy behind what I wrote, comes directly from your presence there, in that most sacred space, and from the courage that is reflected in the eyes of each and every one of you.  You are some of the most amazing people I have ever had the honor to be around.  And I treasure your love.
The four reasons why I do what I do--
Lily, Liam, Benjamin, and Seth Sombar

I would like to add, however, that it is important for you to know how much pain I felt, not only during the preceding days (which you witnessed), but in the very moments prior to me sitting before you, in that seat of honor, with the microphone and my notes, on Sunday.  You need to know that while I may have appeared comfortable and content in that chair,  I cried, long and hard, from the moment my feet touched the floor of our meeting space that morning.  You need to know that my "breathwork" was profoundly disappointing...that I pondered whether or not I'd make it back to my family in one piece...that I questioned if I'd accomplished anything in these two phases that I've participated in since May.  I, like you, and everyone else really,  am a work in progress. The more I repeat these truths to myself, the more they will feel like my reality.  If they resonate with you, and affirm your life as well, than my work to get to you, this weekend, and the weekend before, and to persevere through what felt like the depths of hell, was worth it.  You are worth it.  I have breathed your breaths, and sat in your stillness, felt the gravity of your pain, and I believe in the goodness, possibility, and hope of every one of you.  So here is my [slightly edited] version of our assignment:

Changing Old Beliefs Into New Beliefs
When asked to name all of my old beliefs, I can put pen to paper and come up with at least a dozen, in mere seconds, it seems.  The bad stuff is so easy to access, sitting right in the forefront of my memory or on the tip of my tongue, ready to be channeled into any part of life that I may be living at this moment.  "I am too damaged to improve....destined for failure...a mess...a loser...fucked up beyond measure...crazy.  I want to be invisible.  I am going to spend the rest of my life in pain, fear, and anxiety.  Its not worth it.  I am not worthy of love, money, beauty, fulfillment of any sort, or success.  I can't get it together... I don't have a clue who I am or what the hell I want to be...I am a terrible mother.  

Ya know the real kicker here friends?  Those are all lies.  And they've served their purpose. But I don't need them anymore, because here is the truth:

I have worked hard and I hold the power to be my best self everyday.  I am already a success and will continue to be successful for as long as I want to.  I already have everything that I need, and a lot of what I want.  All that I have lost, and it is a lot, is a part of my story, but it does not define who I am.  I want the world to see all of my potential and greatness, because it is there and a gift to others.  I am highly evolved and inspiring.  I spend MOST of my time without pain, fear, and anxiety, and know that those things are found in the root of my thoughts and can be relieved when I am ready to let them go.  IT IS SO WORTH IT.  I am worthy, and I have the love, money, fulfillment, and success that I desire.  I AM NOT CRAZY.  I have suffered traumas in my life which have affected certain patterns in my brain.  As a highly intelligent person, who is more of a "thinker" than anything else, I relive those old patterns, which can make me feel crazy, but it is not who I am.  I do have it all together and must walk forward with the belief that greatness is before me.  I know EXACTLY who I am- an amazing woman- "Judy"- a fabulous girl, writer, artist, storyteller, lover of silliness, and happiest when moving my body.  I am a vessel of laughter and joy that is contagious to those around me.  I am a lover- a fighter for goodness, compassion, grace, and wholeness.  I am a mother of the children that I created and wanted, and I breathe life into them with my intentions and love, every single day.  


hp1990pgh said...

I am touched by your raw truth and your courage and your ability to see you are WORTHWHILE, LOVED and LOVING. We all have gnawing thoughts and doubts in our moments of weakness. I applaud your insight. I applaud your path to happier times. Congratulations!

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Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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