But I'm not defined

By mistakes that I've made

Because God says of me 

I am chosen and holy and I'm dearly loved

I am new 

But the one who is making everything new

Doesn't see me the way that I do 

Who I thought I was

And who I thought I had to be

I had to give them both up

Cause neither were willing

To ever believe 

I am not who I was, I'm being remade

I am new

Lily had gone ahead of me on the trail yesterday, so lithe and wonderful, determined to run all that was left of the four mile path we'd chosen.  Every once and a while she'd stop and look back, encouraging me to push myself beyond what I believed possible....and this song, "I Am New" by Jason Gray, began, and washed over me...reminding me of all that I have worked toward this last month, and all the potential that lay ahead of me.  I smiled and took off toward her, with gusto, meeting her at the half way point with arms toward the heavens, filled to the brim with joy.

I am inclined to wallow in the shame of having gained back all of the weight that I lost, last summer, when I was so strong and confident.  I could list, here, all of the reasons that this has happened-breakdowns, break-ups, sorrows, medications, the Pittsburgh winter....  Some of them may even be compelling.  But, in the end, it matters not because I am going forward-

Lily and I rewarded our toes with a pedicure, after our 4 mile run/walk.

 its the only choice I have.

We created affirmation statements during my weekend intensive at the "healing center."  After looking over my dream board, and pondering what I had written throughout the day, regarding my dreams and my truths, I decided that what I most needed to hear and BELIEVE was that "I AM POWERFUL."  So often I whisper words of weakness, over and over, to myself,  feeling destined to repeat patterns of loss and defeat, when the reality, for me, is that I am not weak..  Evidence abounds, to the contrary, in fact, when I am willing to look for it and own it.

We "performed" for one another that first evening, in groups, coupling our affirmations with song and movement.  Despite my trepidation to participate in what appeared, from the outset, to be a goofy, if not potentially humiliating exercise, I heard the beat of the Black Eyed Peas' "Imma Be", which I'd suggested to my cohorts at the last second, and I found the girl in me who knows exactly who she is...and I broke out on the makeshift dance floor like a fiend- forgetting all of the self-consciousness and loathing that usually surrounds me.

The Logo for the Center where I am finding myself again.