Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Journey Toward Healing Part VI- I AM Powerful

Now I won't deny

The worst you could say about me
But I'm not defined
By mistakes that I've made
Because God says of me 

I am not who I was, I'm being remade

I am new
I am chosen and holy and I'm dearly loved
I am new 

Too long have I lived in the shadows of shame

Believing that there was no way I could change
But the one who is making everything new
Doesn't see me the way that I do 
Who I thought I was
And who I thought I had to be
I had to give them both up
Cause neither were willing
To ever believe 
I am not who I was, I'm being remade
I am new

Lily had gone ahead of me on the trail yesterday, so lithe and wonderful, determined to run all that was left of the four mile path we'd chosen.  Every once and a while she'd stop and look back, encouraging me to push myself beyond what I believed possible....and this song, "I Am New" by Jason Gray, began, and washed over me...reminding me of all that I have worked toward this last month, and all the potential that lay ahead of me.  I smiled and took off toward her, with gusto, meeting her at the half way point with arms toward the heavens, filled to the brim with joy.

I am inclined to wallow in the shame of having gained back all of the weight that I lost, last summer, when I was so strong and confident.  I could list, here, all of the reasons that this has happened-breakdowns, break-ups, sorrows, medications, the Pittsburgh winter....  Some of them may even be compelling.  But, in the end, it matters not because I am going forward-
Lily and I rewarded our toes with a pedicure, after our
4 mile run/walk.  
 its the only choice I have.

We created affirmation statements during my weekend intensive at the "healing center."  After looking over my dream board, and pondering what I had written throughout the day, regarding my dreams and my truths, I decided that what I most needed to hear and BELIEVE was that "I AM POWERFUL."  So often I whisper words of weakness, over and over, to myself,  feeling destined to repeat patterns of loss and defeat, when the reality, for me, is that I am not weak..  Evidence abounds, to the contrary, in fact, when I am willing to look for it and own it.

We "performed" for one another that first evening, in groups, coupling our affirmations with song and movement.  Despite my trepidation to participate in what appeared, from the outset, to be a goofy, if not potentially humiliating exercise, I heard the beat of the Black Eyed Peas' "Imma Be", which I'd suggested to my cohorts at the last second, and I found the girl in me who knows exactly who she is...and I broke out on the makeshift dance floor like a fiend- forgetting all of the self-consciousness and loathing that usually surrounds me.

"Imma be takin' them pics, lookin' all fly and shit
Imma be the flyest chick, so fly
Imma be spreadin' my wings
Imma be doin' my thang; do it, do it; okay"

The Logo for the Center where
I am finding myself again.
"Imma Be" ended up being the theme song for the entire weekend, and we danced together, several times, after that night, to that tune.  Its lyrics are fairly irreverent, and listing it in the same post with "I Am New" may seem odd, and, perhaps, to some of you, offensive.  But I make no apologies.  My writing, as is my life, is a compilation of many ideas, feelings, and truths, none of which fits any mold.  Its me.  And yes, I am powerful.  


momphotographer said...

Yes, you're not weak, and you ARE YOU. We are all powerfull but many lost the ability to see and feel that power. You're lucky you've found it within you - and it's not offensive! It shouldn't be!
have a good one!

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Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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