Sunday, May 1, 2011

Left Foot, Right Foot, Left Foot, BREATHE

I've had a difficult day.  I aimed to spend my weekend deep cleaning my home, which seems to have gathered a lifetime's worth of filth, around every corner, every surface....I have yet to find the balance between keeping a decent house and being a mindful parent, taking care of my marriage and taking care of myself.

I got an amazing amount of work done yesterday- piles of laundry the size of Mt. Everest, stain-treating and bleaching our white couch slip covers (and replacing them- a total miracle), rearranging the livingroom furniture and beginning to add back in some character that we were forced to remove once the house went up for sale last year.

I woke up this morning with the old familiar nag of anxiety- like a nasty old school teacher, droning on about how useless I will be if I don't get my work done.  How I will fail, as I have failed before.  I fell prey to these thoughts and ended up taking a mid-morning xanax to attempt to calm down.  The post-traumatic stress of major panic/anxiety disorder, and hitting rock bottom with them both, this past fall, overwhelms me....I fear going back there like nothing I've ever feared in my life....but in these moments, these hours...I feel it coming....
Anne Lamott and I- An amazing night for me - just being
in her presence was hopeful

Tonight I bought a tibetan bowl meditation CD and attempted to relax to its melodies. I wasn't all that successful.. So I tried a bath of 3 parts epsom salts and 1 part baking soda.  I scrubbed my skin with organic citris salt glow.  I laid back in the claw foot tub and tried to turn off all of the negativity floating around in my soul- blaring its lies on a megaphone in my brain.....I found I couldn't hear any of the good stuff anymore- I had so quickly lost my perspective.

I lit a candle, took my meds, and sat down with an old stand by "Part B- More Thoughts on Faith" by Anne Lamott.  I had a front row seat to a talk she gave in Pittsburgh several years ago and I am bonded to her voice and her truths, like a friend.  When her life gets tough, and she doesn't know where to begin, she says "Left Foot, Right Foot, Left Foot, BREATHE."  And this wisdom is what I shall be taking with me tomorrow morning.


Mrs B said...

I understand your post quite well. At my appointment yesterday, my PD and I talked at great length about trying to let go of the fear that anxiety "embeds" in the psyche.

This is the first I've heard of Anne Lamott, so thank you for writing about her. I'm going to look her up.

Hope you're having better days...

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Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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