Saturday, April 9, 2011

What I Thought I Was Looking Forward To This Weekend

Cold, cold heart
Hard done by you
Some things look better, baby
Just passin' through
And it's no sacrifice
Just a simple word
It's two hearts livin'
In two separate worlds
But, it's no sacrifice
No sacrifice
It's no sacrifice, at all- Elton John


Inspired by the prompt on NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month), I decided I would talk about the grand plans I'd concocted for my weekend and how I changed my mind.

Yesterday, my husband made a reservation for me to stay overnight at a new hotel near the Pittsburgh airport.  A couple of times a year, when I am particularly overwhelmed or in need of a break, I take a night off one weekend and escape.  I have a lot of projects in my lap right now, that need time dedicated to them that is not in five minute spurts, with every other five minutes being interrupted by a little human.  I was looking forward to accomplishing some goals with my writing and planning out the rest of my year in terms of classes and conferences.  I was also hoping for some healthy meals- nothing fancy, just a nice spinach salad, where I could enjoy every bite....in peace.

What was I thinking- turning it down? And a glass shower
to boot!  Crazy? Maybe...
But, alas, my tender and perhaps wayward heart broke through and I found, as the hour approached for me to skedaddle, that I really just wanted to spend some good, mindful hours with my kids.  The morning had been riddled with upheaval and was, at times, rather unpleasant. Once there seemed to be a lull in the strife, and the relief of freedom washed over me-the realization that there were no lacrosse practices or games, no classes, no fighting, no play dates, I wanted to just enjoy the day- just the six of us, digging in the yard, playing games, laughing- having living room picnics.  When you experience stress to the magnitude with which we have, in the last year or so, you relish the opportunities that arise, somewhat unexpectedly, to be together as a unit that is thriving and loving and at ease.
But I chose this- and its no sacrifice at all.

I will face criticisms over this decision- that I need more balance; that I need to make time for myself...I know these platitudes well.  And I am painfully aware that I haven't mastered the art of self-care quite as nicely as I need to....But I also know the cravings of my inner-most being, to be with these children that I helped to create, in a meaningful way.  I will not always have this privilege- they will grow tired of snuggling with their mommy- of holding hands while skipping down the street, of going to the candy store with their parents in tow or taking in a family movie or reading books, out loud, at bedtime.

So, right now, I'm looking forward to just being- at home, doing nothing, enjoying the goodness of our little existence-together.

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Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States
Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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