Monday, April 18, 2011

Space

Its hard to know what to title a post like this....cute and cliche doesn't really fit....

Tonight is a hard one.....I got very little sleep last night and there are six of us in one hotel room with two beds.  You do the math....I realize that there are people all over the world, tonight, who are sleeping in much worse conditions.  This is a four star venue with beautiful fountains and nice down comforters, bountiful pillows, a large flat screen t.v. with a plethora of channels. 



Peace

But, to be honest, I feel suffocated.  Not only by my current circumstances but by some of my life choices....and without purging details which are private, I cannot adequately convey to you, dear readers, just how painful this is...in this moment.  All the lingering doubts and frustrations; the guilt and the rage; the grief; the loneliness....the conglameration of all of this negativity weighing heavily on me right now. 

In one word, I feel trapped.  I put me here.  Tomorrow, it is possible, that I will wake up, glowing from rest and ready to face my world with vigor.  It is possible that I will not recognize these words as prose from my own heart.  It is possible that I will discover that the other woman took my place, at the computer, and spilled her guts all over the web- the other woman who sometimes forgets that she is loved and determined and gifted and passionate and worthy and safe.

What I know right now is that I need space.  I desperately need space and sleep.

1 comments:

Captain Stormfield said...

Here's something that helps me when I hit that breaking point:
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

It reminds me that, when I can't seem to get a hold on my life, I'm not the one that should be holding it. It reminds me that even though God is just, He is also merciful.

Another one that always hits home for me is Romans 8:15-17.
"For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, 'Abba, Father.' The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together."

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Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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