Monday, September 13, 2010

A Letter To My Husband

Dear Tom,

How do I begin?  This isn't what we planned, is it? Our scrapbook of days begun with passionate words and open hearts, thirteen years ago-on a beach, in Delaware-me in the white dress  (off-white, custom-fit for a very pregnant bride), you in the tux... It isn't quite what we bargained for- that "for better or for worse" stuff seemed more benign when we said it back then- more "in theory...."

Had we seen the life that lay before us, would we have taken the risk or run screaming in the other direction ( or worse, in two separate directions)? Would we have bothered? Or would we have cut our losses? Losses...Losses.

Right now there are times when it seems that we are coaching a team that has no chance of winning. And we can't replace the players...even if we wanted to.  We have moments where we're going down at the line of scrimmage- and I want to just walk away.  I want to take the bonus from another franchise- give it a shot somewhere else- where my dirt isn't layered on the field, where my record can be expunged- wiped clean, where I haven't fumbled and missed so many plays.  To punt and start over and over and over seems so arduous- so hopeless.

But here's the thing- when I go to bed at night, when I wake up in the morning, and when I go through the dailiness of my life, with the beings we have created, I want you there.  I want you there like I wanted you there when we were younger, thinner, more adventurous, reckless and wonderful, financially comfortable, fun....when every moment of our existence didn't have to be poked at, prodded and planned, the very minutia of details discussed and disected- when there was freedom around every corner- freedom we took for granted... Even in the depths of the ditches, when nothing seems to be going as it should, it is you and your face and your quirks and imperfections that I long for- it is you that I want to call when I have something exciting to share or something goes right in my day.  It is you that I want to cry on when there are so many disappointments and I feel I can't go on any longer.  It is you that I want to navigate with, through this storm, to calmer waters- one day...It is your greying hair, amongst the peach fuzz, that I want leaning close to me- right now, and thirteen years from now, then thirteen years more, and then some....

Being with you, on any given day, at any given hour, at any given moment, when the going is good, and when the going is bad, is still better than any other story-line I may have conjured up, since the minute I fell in love with you, so long ago.  

So here I am- beat up, worn-out, exhausted, junk-in-the trunk, self-centered, self-indulgent, full of grief and anger sometimes, nearly out of my mind all of the time, but with the same hopes and dreams, the same affection, the same contagious sense of humor, and the same drop-dead determination that I had when I was walking down the sand- that morning- September 14th, 1997.  But now I stand before you with a much deeper love- one with more maturity, more grace, more wisdom- one that has been tried and tested and battled and won, over and over again.  Today this love is less of the fairy tale and more of the real. 

And today, of all days, I choose you, all over again. 

With everything I have,


Lori said...

Oh, Judy. As always, so beautifully said. I love reading your blog and sharing your life through it. I LOVE the song you picked to accompany your post. Happy Anniversary to you both and I wish you many, many more in the years to come. <3

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Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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