Thursday, May 13, 2010

She Rocks In The Treetops....

Tonight, two of my four children were performing in their school's annual Arts Night-you remember those days, don't you? Standing on the stage, trying not to scratch inappropriate places, while you sang, slightly off-key, a variety of Patriotic melodies that made all of the parents in the audience believe, if for just one moment, that their otherwise wacky children might actually turn out normal some day.

The first graders started the show- Benjamin Sombar, the boy in the back row with a bad case of ants in the pants. Many times during the set it appeared that my son, with dimples the size of Texas, might actually do a nose dive onto the girls directly below him (and, given the love notes I find in his take-home folder, that may have been an exciting outcome). Ben is apparently unaware that certain songs require a more serious demeanor, however. Take, for instance, "My Country Tis Of Thee", featuring the somewhat morose reminder of the "land where our fathers died." It was as if Sponge Bob had made an appearance and my kid was the only one who noticed.

I, of course, in true annoying-mother fashion, did my usual whooping and hollering at the end of the set, causing my middle-school daughter, seated uncomfortably close to me, to attempt the impossible feat of pretending I did not exist.

Liam and his third grade posse followed at some point. While I believe my first-born son to be strikingly handsome, I couldn't help but notice how the girls on either side of him had put an unusual distance between their bodies and his. You may wonder why this would be....such a's no mystery to me, friends....HIS FEET STINK. They stink!!!! They are nothing short of absolute humiliation- a total sensory nightmare- announcing to the whole universe (or the entire population of Mt. Lebanon, Pennsylvania) that The Sombar Family has apparently stopped bathing. I had a boyfriend in college who smelled just like Liam. And we all thought it was because he drank too much and didn't do his laundry on a regular basis. Now, I realize it was because the guy never wore socks with his dock-siders. And no matter how many times I threaten to beat the living tar out of my nine year-old, at least once a week I find him in sneakers (the expensive kind), and bare feet. Tonight I pondered stepping up to the mike to apologize to the audience for his odor. Instead, I whooped and hollered even louder, figuring embarrassment would be the worst punishment ever. It was. He just shook his head and walked back to his seat, eyes never leaving the ground.

All in all, despite thinking that most elementary aged beings, while forced into awkward displays of excitement over folks songs, are totally adorable, the show was a sleeper. Not due to any lack of spirit on the part of the music teachers or the kids, mind you, but because the parents in this town are like white folks in a black church. Completely absent of any evidence of soul whatsoever. Really, people, when forty children bother to memorize and bellow out the words to "This Land Is Your Land" and "Rockin' Robin", the least you could do is SWAY, for Pete's sake. No movement whatsoever- like deer in headlights, they all sit there with their dazed smiles and video cameras, while I, the freak in the bunch, am clapping and snapping and singing right along. Lily would prefer the boring Caucasian congregants to her obviously demented mother, but personally, I think the adults around here need to down a few shots or pass the pipe before the next school concert. We could get really radical and start a mosh pit near the stage. Then Benjamin might have a chance, should he suddenly fall over, head first.

About Me

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Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States
Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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