Tuesday, February 10, 2009

What Goes Up Must Also Come Down

When I was in the hospital last April, one of the nurses reminded me that nothing is permanent, and that includes feeling bad and feeling good. I didn't much appreciate that sentiment at the time- I desperately needed someone to tell me that I would indeed feel good, again, and that I would never, ever feel as bad as the week leading up to my hospitalization. I still want that to be my truth, but the year has not panned out as I had hoped, with alot of ups and then some really terrifying downs. I am having a "down" day, following some that were more hopeful. Most of my negative emotions at this point stem from pretty "normal" circumstantial things- like my nineteen month-old who screams "MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMY" a thousand times a day, which is only cute maybe once then it is like nails to a chalk board. He will be evaluated by a speech therapist and developmentalist next Thursday morning- I decided to take the bull by the horns with child number four, as my previous three have not fared well with this "wait and see" approach (and the assumption that because my husband didn't talk until he was like thirty-two, that my children will all turn out okay in the end). Lily was a late walker (18 mos) and a late talker (close to three) and had a lot of issues with reading and writing. After homeschooling for a year and a half, then putting her in public school here in Allegheny County, she has thrived and is academically on track or better. Liam, who walked and talked slightly earlier in life than Lily (walking at 14mos and talking by two or two and a half) is not doing quite as well as we'd hoped he would be by this point and we continue to feel concern over his future academic success (whatever that is). I've called another conference with his support team to get a better idea of how things are going, as the standardized testing reports revealed little improvement, after a semester or more of individualized instruction in reading and writing. While Tom and I do see a spike in his interest to read and write, he is still quite behind his peers in this area and I worry that he'll slip through the cracks and end up with problems that can't be fixed. Benjamin, who didn't say more than two words until age three, has grasped many of the tasks expected of him in kindergarten (far better than his two older siblings at the same age) but is now seeing the reading specialist regularly for an extra boost. It was all I could do not to break out in sobs during his conference two weeks ago. I'm so tired of the pressure and my kids not making the grade- only because I care for them and don't want them to have a harder life than normal because of this. So, friends, I'm not sitting in the laid-back seat with Sethy. If he's going to follow in Daddy's footsteps, he's going to be doing it with a lot of intervention from therapists, whether it helps him or not.

I'm still trying to clean my kitchen from the meal prep debacle of the weekend- Note to self: no more BIG projects- just baby steps. b-a-b-y s-t-e-p-s. Remind me that I said that the next time I confess to some whim the size of Mt. Everest....I often have reality-amnesia.

It rained all day today in the burgh, but I forced myself to walk Ben to school, as well as walk to pick the kids up and bring them home, so that we could be outside in the "warmer" temps (40 degrees instead of 5) and I could move my body a little. The winter has brought on quite a bit of seasonal affective disorder and an almost complete absence of exercise. The Wii Fit from my parents has helped but there are days when I just need to breathe the air, even if it is freezing cold.

Murphy's Law has also entered the picture and I am now without the use of my laptop and cell phone (the laptop has an electrical issue and my phone was snapped in half by my bionic baby Seth). As I struggled to get the bottom rack of my dishwasher to pull forward and I was rigging my dryer to stay put on top of the washer, I got pretty overwhelmed with feeling that nothing in my life is working right now. I have to fight that negative talk as I can quickly spiral into a real doozy of a state at that point.

Keep us in your prayers- the specialist I found last week, whom I saw again yesterday, is really great and I think will be a catalyst for healing in my life in the weeks and months to come. She has a lot of experience with Post-Partum Depression and Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder and has already made some very helpful recommendations. I will see a new doctor in two weeks, who I would like to believe will be able to make sense out of my hormonal/chemical imbalances and create a plan for getting them straight. My hope is dim, though, as I know her from her treatment of some acquaintances and its pretty much a farm of patients moving in and out of her office, quickly, and with a lot of prescriptions. Our insurance doesn't have many options in the psychiatric department, so aside from the ding-bats who've treated me over the last year (and made my situation worse), there aren't too many other choices.

Well, the bath is running for Benjamin and I need to help with some homework. Perhaps tomorrow will be an "up" day again. Fingers crossed....

1 comments:

KathyK said...

Hey Judy,

Ii have a friend with pmdd. her doc has her taking a bunch of vitamins and it seems to be helping her. you may want to ask about it . i know b vits and magnesium...

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Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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