Thursday, January 8, 2009

Isolating

depression is isolating- while the rest of the world is twirling about in the capsule of their lives, which appears, from the outside anyway, to be joyful and purposeful, I stare out into a numbness of gray and my reality becomes foggy and dreary and there is no one who can come take this from me, share it like an icecream sundae or a good book. its mine to trod through alone. and maybe that is the hardest part of my days right now. the loneliness and fear- God, I just want to feel normal again. I had somehow tricked myself into believing that the events of last spring and summer were contained within themselves and locked away in a crevice of my history, never to appear again. Things were under control and going as they should be- not paradise or perfection- just your basic life as a parent. And now, its here again- rearing its ugly head- like a bad dream. And with every breath I take, every minute that goes by, I am working- HARD- to live- to keep up appearances and make my children's lives as normal as possible. I am working like a fiend to try and forget the heaviness in my head, the nervousness in the pit of my stomach, the organic bewilderment, that comes not from some catastrophy or sadness or disappointment- it is there, with its roots grasping the very soil my soul resides in, tangling itself among my common sense, my reasoning, my optimism, my goals and my dreams. and I just want it to GO A-W-A-Y!!

4 comments:

Lori said...

Judy, I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. I don't know much about what you're going through so I'll just say that I'm here and I'm sending you lots of positive vibes. From what I've gathered from your blog thus far, you are a wonderful wife and mom and you will find your way out of the fog. xoxo

Greg said...

keep working at it, and goodluck!

Leo said...

Hold on to the thought that the heaviness will lift...it will be slow....but it will lift and you will feel better....You are a beautiful writer, friend, Mom and I'm sure, wife. Keep it going....

Rachel said...

I'm gonna disagree with Leo here. My depression didn't go into real remission - I suffered for 10 years - until I took positive action to conquer it. I use a SAD light, I take medication along with vitamins and I use talk therapy.

Imagining that your depression will just go away on its own is misinformed. Nobody ever says, "be strong and your Bipolar Disorder will lift." Okay? So please pursue real treatment and keep pursuing it until your depression goes into remission.

I use the phrase "goes into remission," because it never really goes away forever. I am always on guard against it. And you should be too.

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Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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