Friday, January 9, 2009

Gratitude In My Depths








It is during the times of my deepest despair that I pray to a God I so want to believe in. I ask for deliverance from the pain I am experiencing- and then the pain keeps coming and I think I need to give up. But my answers arrive, in a different way than I imagine- and they are brought to me by the angels he has placed in my life. Because of them, I am able to forge enough hope together to be grateful for the souls in my life who make my living possible and whose love takes my demons and forces them to fight for the right to overcome me.

-to my husband who has stoicly stood by me through my suffering, who does not comprehend it but attempts to cure it, at all costs. you are my all and I wouldn't want to endure any of this without you.
-to Linda Mitchell who called to find me in pieces, immediately and without question, closed her gallery mid-day, gathered hope for me where I could find none, fixed Ben lunch before school, drove Seth and I to the pediatrician, then took my two big boys for the night so Tom and I could have only one child interrupting our sleep. Words do not exist to thank you for that. Quid pro Quo
-to Natasha Williams who knows- and the knowing is the rock that I cling to- I see your face in my darkest hours and I know that I've got an army in your spirit pulling for me and giving me strength that goes beyond any earthly measures.
-to Missy Cuddy Kozar- for things I cannot devulge in this most public of places but whose tough love and ubiquitous four-letter-words have spurred me on this week. The demand that I join the "Oldaker Stalkers" Club in the stands of the Lebo Girls Basketball Game was just what I needed last night- I'm proud to be your newest inductee- misery loves company.
-to Kim Rhoton- why you go to the ends of the earth and back for me I will never understand, but you do and I am so proud to stand by your side. You amaze me.
-for Donna Dinardo and Hailey Gbur for shuttling my kids to and from school in this most frigid of temperatures. Seth would not be getting the rest he so desperately needs during his most recent bout with the flu and I would be a little crazier too. You are the best neighbors ever. You are my family. I love you both.
-to my mother who has committed to flying here sometime in the next four days to help out. I wouldn't have asked myself, and I wish my husband hadn't called you, but I know that we will gain strength from your visit. :) love you, mom.
-to Lori Martin Lee- for finding me after all these years and for bothering to reach out in the blogosphere and on Facebook.
-for Christine Bosworth Kennedy- God was watching when you sent me that message yesterday and he knew that I needed your support, even after twenty-seven years. I have never stopped looking for you and I know the miracle of your presence now.
-Renee Turner-Leathem- for your willingness to fly here on a moments notice. I will take you up on it one of these days. Thanks for sticking by me when I am such a pain in the butt. "Life is a crack-pipe" and "you are working my hole".
-to my tribe on Facebook who noticed my pleas and came through with the prayers. Your kind words are a gift.

I am also grateful for our most basic needs being met- the heat in this harsh winter weather, our home and our amazing community, the school my children rely on five days a week and the teachers who bother to care for them, the crossing guards (esp. Elaine) who keep us safe and greet us with such kind words, my vehicles that are running, and my generally healthy children who force me to look at things more simply and love me in spite of my gross imperfections.

2 comments:

Rachel said...

First off, let me say that it's excellent that you are reaching out for help. You should be proud of that; it's the right choice. You're so lucky that your mom will help you. My mom -- not so much.

But I wish you'd quit worrying about all your "imperfections." Only the angels were created as perfect beings. Literally EVERYONE else has a thing or two they could stand to work on. So lighten up on yourself.

Lori said...

Judy, stopped by to check on you and saw this post. I glanced at it right after you posted it, but actually took the time to read it through tonight. I am touched that you mentioned me. I have so enjoyed reconnecting with you and am going to make more of an effort to keep in better touch. I'm so glad to see that you have a supportive family, helpful neighbors and great friends; with these people in your life, you will be okay even if it doesn't seem that way right now.

xoxo

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Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States
Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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