Thursday, December 4, 2008

temper tantrums

yesterday evening, at the dinner table, my daughter very kindly declared that she didn't know why I was tired because her father had fixed the meal- steam pouring from every orifice of my bod, i tried my best not to punch her while breathing in and out a hundred times. the truth is, people, that i had stood in front of the stove for forty minutes, flipping our weekly pancakes, and my husband, fresh home from his three day business trip, simply took care of the sausage while i soothed my weary head on the couch. and she couldn't understand why i was bitter...."what's wrong mommy? why are you looking at me like thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"

but i am bitter. bitter and tired. while tom relaxed at National Airport yesterday, for hours, reading John Grisham's new novel, in its entirety, i was helping kids with homework, vacuuming like a fiend, picking up random toys and books from the living room floor, rescuing the various pieces of my nativity scene from about five rooms in my house, making fresh juice for Seth, making snacks and homemade popcorn for the kids, and trying to use the potty by myself (God forbid). and no one cares- no one appreciates these mundane days of mine or the livelihood I lack. and this morning, my darling husband decided that assisting me with the care of our male offspring while I ran Lily into the city for her yearly check-up was unimportant, trivial, "not worth taking time off"- so i drove into the deep hood of the burgh listening to my five year-old sing, over and over and over and over "banana phone- wah wah wah- banana phone- wah wah wah" while Lily complained of starvation and Seth made plans for how he will be paining his mother over the course of the next eighteen years. Then, my seething continued as the Dr. forced me to ponder the option of vaccinating Lily against the Human Papillomavirus (genital warts?!!!) "because we'll want her protected once she begins having intimate behaviors." "INTIMATE BEHAVIORS?!!!" "INTIMATE BEHAVIORS" "TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? THE DR. THINKS LILY NEEDS A VACCINE FOR HER BOODY.....IS THAT OKAY WITH YOU, YOU BIG BUTT-HEAD!!!" well Dr. H might as well have suggested that we sell her into slavery because i could hardly believe my ears... SHE'S NOT HAVING INTIMATE BEHAVIORS- SHE'S ELEVEN!!! AND BELIEVE ME, SHE WON'T HAVE HAD ANY INTIMATE BEHAVIORS BY NEXT YEAR WHEN WE RETURN EITHER, OR THE NEXT YEAR, OR THE NEXT. SO NO!! I DON'T WANT THAT DUMB VACCINE!!") while I was peeling Seth out of the bio-hazard filled trash can and listening to Ben utter continued nonsense and catapulting himself onto the exam table. Why must I function like this people- why is this even remotely okay? And Tom has the nerve to tell me that after his morning conference call, he spent a few hours doing some research on the net about our upcoming vacations.....Huh?!!!

So, today I've been throwing proverbial daggers at my loving hubby- in the form of demands that i return to a dignified career path, trying to force him into understanding my plight, he exclaims- "baby- you don't really want to get a paying job- that isn't really what you want...the kids need you here- they are better off because you're home- we just need to get you some more breaks!" breaks? breaks!!? yeah, right, people. maybe just making it so i don't have to be mauling two of my children in front of their pediatrician while contemplating the future sexual escapades of my first born child (emphasis on child), would be sufficient- ...and yes, i do want a REAL job- and as long as it doesn't involve constant neck-breaking work for zero pay- i will be a lot better off.

there- that's my tantrum for today. take it or leave it, friends- but its my life and I'm not sorry i said it.

And, oh, by the way, here are some links to the risks associated with the aforementioned HPV vaccine- Gardisil, in case you find yourself having a similar conversation with your child's pediatrician:

Gardisil and the link with Guillain-Barre syndrome

National Vaccine Information Center- Gardisil

I have found that most doctors are not well-versed on this information, though we make the aggravating trek to visit Dr. H because he is willing to have what are sometimes lengthy, but always educated discussions with me on the issues surrounding vaccinating my kids. It is well-worth the effort to scour the planet for physicians who will treat you, as a parent, with respect, not like a paranoid bubble-brained idiot- they exist but may not be easy to find at first.


Rachel said...

If you want a job, you should get one. YOU are the best judge of what is right for you, aren't you? Your husband may be a dear, sweet fellow, but it sounds as if he is SADLY OUT OF TOUCH on this issue.

You sound to me -- one mom to another -- as if you're just barely clinging on with your last 2 fingernails. I have been there!

I urge you to take WHATEVER steps you can imagine to improve your life right now, starting tomorrow. Get a job, hell yeah!!

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Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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