Monday, November 17, 2008

swimming to the surface

today is one of those days where you keep telling yourself that "if I can just get to the end" its gonna be okay. its chaos of my own doing- do first of three reading assemblies this morning, get the baby from Tom and drag he and Ben to the grocery store (because i forgot my promise to bring cupcakes to girl scouts for lily's birthday), nearly commit homicide against Ben while in the store ("mommy, can i have this? this too? why not- you never buy me ANYTHING MOMMMMMMMMMMMMY? TODAY IS TOY DAY MOMMY- THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO BUY ME A TOY RIGHT NOW!!!! mommy, I'm thirsty- i get something to drink- wait i want to weigh this mommy- mommy i have a cookie- mommy I'm getting a salad too- mommy i ride in the cart- mommy, i want to get out of the cart- mommy i get candy because you not buy me candy on Friday and i didn't want that football cupcake you got me instead- I WANT CANDY- i wish today was candy day- i get chips mommy- you have a quarter mommy- i gonna get a gumball- you have another quarter mommy? why mommy? i don't want to help you put the bags in the trunk- I'M COLD......)fix Ben a lunch he then won't eat, fix Seth lunch and fresh juice while he screams at the top of his lungs waiting for me to get done, talk to Tom about why I can't handle parenting my five year-old right now, find some baby pictures of Lily (like finding a needle in hay stack), do the second reading at the school, come home, eat a healthy lunch, put my guitar and scrap booking supplies in the car, go set up for girl scouts at the church, sing happy birthday to lily at the meeting, teach the girls about scrap booking, drop lily off, pick liam up, go to guitar lessons, come home, do homework with three kids, put seth down, read harry potter to older two, put ben down, talk to tom about my stress levels.

yeah- I'm just treading water- only half-way done with what is on that list and i'm swallowing angst with every breath- "just let me get through, just let me get through."

its hard to find the right balance, when planning our life, because the things I am obligated to, today, are all things i LOVE doing (minus listening to ben talk to me about my inferior parenting), but having them fall all on one day is dumb dumb dumb- i keep listening to the evil voice in my head that squeaks "just because you can do something doesn't mean you should!"

if i would only give-in to my need to be a real slacker, I think we'd all be a lot happier. the moms who know when to say "nope-not doing that- sorry," and don't spend their hours fretting over not doing this or that are far better off than the rest of us overcommitted nutjobs. its such a crock that more is better. the women I know who are really keeping it together, whose kids are the most well-rounded and stable, are the ones who know how to put up their feet, pick up a book, grab a glass of wine, and say to themselves "i am a GOOD ENOUGH mom today." i want to be one of those.

if i can get to the end of today...i just might have a chance tomorrow.

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Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States
Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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