Monday, November 3, 2008

Ramblings

I go through my day having a one-way conversation with you in my mind, oh friends in the blogosphere . If I could pick up this laptop and write as often as I compose these soliloquies, I'd have at least a novella by now.

Its been one of those days. Actually its been a string of those days, tied together in a fog of moody delirium. I have been wandering through my hours with a chaotic combo of frustration/reliliancy (is that a word?)...scrubbing and vacuuming, carpooling, singing, yelling, cooking, baking, shopping, eating, snuggling, yelling (did I say that already), grinding my teeth, trying not to yell, sneaking halloween candy (actually my children have loaded me up with more than I want- which is a miracle any way you look at it), brushing my teeth, vacuuming, scrubbing...

I hate cleaning. Not the act of cleaning- I actually enjoy the mindfulness of chores- there is a sick but satisfying vibe I get just hearing the little pops that my Dyson makes as it sucks up the monotony of dirt on my floors...I hate that it never ends- like a hamster on a wheel, I never really make it to that point where I sit on the couch, knitting scarves, feeling the joy of having completed the task of shining my abode- I clean, then I answer the phone, then I run to get the kids, then I hold Seth, then I put in another load, then Seth poops and there are three more dirty items to put through the laundry shoot- and it all begins again.

Parenting, like cleaning, is also grueling for me. Some days I wonder why I chose this path in life- I didn't know it would be this tough. And its tough. The hardest part, I think, is the questions that remain at the end of the day. Did I do the right thing...is it worth being home, should I just go back to work, should I remove gluten from everyone's diet (I've eliminated it from mine- now you know why I'm crazy), are the cleaning agents I'm using slowly killing my kids, should I stop cleaning, should I clean more, will I be visiting Ben in prison twenty years from now, should I keep the kids in public school, should I move and invest in private education, should we buy a farm and homeschool again, am I depressed, is everyone depressed, do I know anyone who likes this job, should I let the kids watch this much T.V., will I ever have another career, do I want another career, does Tom want me to have another career (no), will I be broke forever, should I stop sparing the rod and beat the hell out of Ben?... and that's just about a minutes worth of what my brain is sorting through, and until I finally fall asleep around 10:30, it doesn't stop.

Tonight we are all geared up here in the Sombar household- not due to the impending election of the next President of the United States, mind you (that's another post), but because the REDSKINS ARE PLAYING THE STEELERS this evening...so I must go or I will miss the kick-off, and we've been waiting three years for this game.

Oh, and my guitar teacher says I'm a natural, so I'll end on that positive note. Yippeeeee.

(go skins- GASP- BLASPHEMY)

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About Me

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Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States
Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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