Sunday, July 20, 2008

"Well Behaved Women....Rarely Make History"

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
....

I watched "Shut Up And Sing," the documentary about the Dixie Chicks and their struggle with free speech and censorship, next to Lily this afternoon. She became a fan of the Dixies a number of years ago and I've been meaning to show her the DVD for a long time now. I try to expose my daughter to women who are powerful and leaders- hoping to instill within her the knowledge that taking risks and being bold in character is not only okay but may just be the recipe for success. Living a version of life for the approval of others is a mistake- and all the most notable women in history have lived, unapologetically, as they believed, rarely winning any popularity contests. I have often taken the road less traveled and I wouldn't change an inch of the path I have trodden, or the results, for anything. Now, as I work to accept the hand I've been dealt, as far as post-partum depression, and form strategies to play the best game possible, I find that I, again, must carve out new territory, and sometimes, turn my back on "the experts" and go the way my instincts are aiming for.

The first time I heard the song (above) I had chills. And I still get them- not only because the melody is so incredible but because the lyrics fit my life as if I'd written them myself. I've heard that depression is anger turned inward and I probably have quite a bit of it to wrestle with- but I'm a different person than I was, even since April, and I'm getting stronger by the day. My 38th year, which began yesterday at 9:30am, may just be my most powerful one yet.

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Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States
Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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