Sunday, July 13, 2008

The Good Enough Mother

I'm having a bad day. Its Sunday evening and I've spent a lot of my weekend feeling sub-par, so to speak. This afternoon I sat across from my husband in one of our favorite restaurants, alternating between despondant and wanting to put him through a wall, unable to feel content with anything going on in our lives right now. Mostly, I am worried about my seven year-old, who has taken a downward tumble at the hands of our local public school, this year. I worry about risking another 365 days of his life, towing the line and walking the path most-traveled. And I feel like the burden of this heartache rests on my shoulders alone- along with about a dozen other things which have been plaguing my thoughts as of late.

Who is the "good enough mother"- how does she live each day and not go crazy wondering if her kids are okay? A few years ago I read an article, of this very title, by one of my favorite columnists- Anna Quindlen. I haven't been able to get it out of my head ever since. Like many American mothers, I struggle immensely with perfectionism- (not only of my own diagnoses but that of every professional in contact with me). The consequences of which may comprise nearly 100% of my current emotional turmoil. In therapy, there isn't a week that goes by that I'm not assigned some goal for "letting go" when it comes to my children and my home. I ponder whether its some inner chaos that I'm trying to settle by "cleaning up" my environment or the lives of my children. There's this cyclone that is alive inside of my soul which makes me feel so helpless- like if I could just get the house picked-up or the weeds out of my yard, or if my children never felt the sting of disappointment or doubt, the spinning would stop....In my head I know that these things don't add up to reality and I know that being "in control" is really just a rouse, but my actions are generally not made-up of logic- so I struggle on..

In my heart, I would like to know that I am good enough. Today just isn't the day...but maybe tomorrow.


About Me

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Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States
Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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