Thursday, June 5, 2008

Two Steps Forward...

One step back...that's the way I feel tonight. This journey is such a roller coaster and it is exhausting. Just when I think I may be normal...BAM...I end up in bed with the covers pulled up, wishing I could stay there forever. I came home this afternoon feeling pretty alive but Seth had a fever again and my house was 85 degrees (Tom insisted we delay turning on our new central air for the first time- he had some grand fantasy of making it to July 1st before flipping the switch-need I say more?). For a while I did what appeared to be some stellar parenting, then I towed the line- until I crashed- Tom calling to say he'd be an hour late coming home- nothing short of a nightmare when I was already counting the minutes until his arrival.

A friend talked to me today about just being present in the moment, accepting whatever I was feeling at the time I was feeling it, knowing that "this too shall pass." It sounded good at the time, but putting that kind of conscious effort into practice is a whole other ballgame. There is this fear that grips my soul, that spreads through my innermost core, telling me that I'm never going to be the same again- that life is always going to be a struggle and that maybe my ability to parent the children I helped to create, and love so very much, is gone...my strength depleted. Logically, I understand that these are temporary symptoms,which at some point will cease to exist, but in my heart, I'm just treading water, hoping that the waves of doubt hurry up and calm down.

Now for my gratitude list- which is what makes my misery take a backseat ( at least for as long as my fingers are on these keys):

I am ever grateful for all of the support in my life which helps me to press on during the worst of times...my parents who make it possible for me to have the time I need to heal and who take such wonderful care of their grandchildren, my husband who knows what I'm made of and who refuses to allow me to quit, for Donna and Val who keep the meals coming from all the awesome friends who want to provide for us (and who have showered us with an enormous amount of nourishing food themselves), for the extra nurturing from Kim, who covered my hair appointment and left me speechless, for Natasha (and Rich) who know me completely and have my back at all times, for Haley who gives my son a haven on a daily basis and makes a fine pulled pork, for my sistah Wendy and my other Maryland friends (and Virginians- Nancy, Yvette and Lisa McGrail!) who are scared and call or write with reassurance, for Christina who never hesitated to show up (and whose letter brought me unspeakable comfort), to Val (and Karin) for the gift cards-cleaning lady-cheesecake-flowers-favorite magazines and play dates, for Jen E. who remembered my kids with the package from their cousins, for Mary Anne and her buddy Brenda who knew what I needed that Sunday in the hotel and got me to the hospital in one piece (via two very long telephone conversations and a very nervous husband), for Lila & co. with the mystery message cake, Casey for giving birth to Ella, my future daughter-in-law (ha ha), for our "kindergarten" friends- Stacie, Carrie, Bonnie, The Mane Family- where in the world would we be without you?, for Missy C.- you know why, and for all the folks in my program who've walked a mile in these shoes and who tread this path alongside me, most mornings, with great trepidation and determination...

I owe you all everything I've got and I feel that, intensely, every minute of the day.

I told Val this afternoon, when she dropped Ben off from his play date with her kids, that although I've been making meals for people for a long time now, I never knew the power that they had or the love that they conveyed until I needed them so badly myself. Never, ever underestimate your ability to change the lives of people around you in need- even the most trivial things make such a difference.

"Do no great things, only small things with great love." Mother Teresa

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About Me

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Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States
Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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