Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Grief

I've been walking through my neighborhood, in the early hours of the morning, partly to instill some consistent method of fitness into my routine, partly to just have a routine (I am not a morning person, to say the least). Today I forgot my glasses, so I spent two miles seeing blurs of life around me, which, due to my familiarity with the territory, wasn't really a problem. But I did find myself mistaking several gentleman along my path with our friend Don, and each time, I felt my heart sinking into my gut, knowing the great delusion of it all-knowing that Don wasn't there, and that he never would be... again. I could almost hear him calling after me "JUDITH!!", as he always used to do, and I hoped with all of my being that the whole thing was a lie- that he was still at Presby [hospital], getting better, and waiting for his transplant.

For several days after his death, I kept checking and rechecking his website, to make sure I hadn't misread the news, wanting it not to be final. How could a man with such life be gone? That's not the way its supposed to work...At first I didn't cry- I just sat at my computer and stared. Then one night, when the house was quiet, I ran into the bathroom and sobbed into a towel, hurting for the girls and Sharon and our community, missing such a great great person (of course, then every one of my three older children began banging furiously on the door- "MOMMMMMMMMMMMMY- I HAVE TO PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE", "MOMMMMMMY, what are you doing in there?" "MOMMMY, when are you going to be out of there- I REALLY HAVE TO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! [ WE HAVE 3 BATHROOMS PEOPLE- NO WONDER I'M INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!]).

I figure that this is the work of grief- this checking and rechecking and disbelief. And maybe after his party...acceptance.

1 comments:

jen said...

I am so sorry you lost your friend.

~jen

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Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States
Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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