Monday, June 9, 2008

central air conditioning and other signs that God exists

When the nightmare of my current existence began, seven-weeks ago, as I attempted to withdraw from an anti-depressant I'd been prescribed just two weeks prior, I knelt at the foot of my boys' bunk beds, sobbing, nauseated, head pounding like I'd never felt in my whole life...and I prayed...out loud...breathing hard..."please Jesus- take this from me- please take it away- I can't do this anymore." and then nothing happened. and then it got worse. and then I didn't want to live anymore and I didn't care about God...all I knew is that he'd abandoned me- or he didn't exist at all- and I was on the verge of something awful.

but now that the light has come back into my world and the "now" isn't so urgent and mind-blowing, there are the footprints of Jesus everywhere in my life and my faith, though changed, is having a sort of rebirth. From the central air-conditioning (which was being installed, for eight LONG DAYS, during that whole nightmare of withdrawal), to the sweat from my walks with my friend, to the echoes of "i love you mommy" from my rebellious and defiant five year-old, to the nurturing from friends, to my parents (who were coming for an impromptu visit, not knowing this was happening), to having the courage to face the world again, to the program my insurance didn't want to cover, to my husband's willingness to be home, to our going without pay for so long and still not being homeless, to my daughter's kisses and Liam's nuzzles, to Seth letting me leave everyday without crying and making me feel more guilty than I already do...these have all GOT to be signs that there is love there beyond my comprehension, just getting me through, moment-by-moment.

and with that- i'm off to bed- feeling thankful and determined to wake up tomorrow, noticing more that is good and sacred in my life.


kirsten said...

judy ... WOW. you've been through so much lately. i've been thinking about you a lot. i'm just emerging from my own health nightmare lately, so i haven't been very present for blogging, but i wanted to let you know that i think of you often & talk to jesus about you, asking him to take care of you.

i've been having similar thoughts, praying similar prayers about just taking it all away, not being able to handle it. i breathed a sigh of relief when i read that you were so supported, that you're finding so many good things coming your way: people to support you, unexpected provision, those unexpected & heart-melting "I love you's".

holding you in my heart tonight,
* kirsten

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Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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