Friday, May 30, 2008

Telling The Truth

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say [x8]

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only ...

Say what you need to say [x8]

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say

My neighbor Donna took me to lunch yesterday. We rarely get the time to talk without some little person screaming that they need a band-aid or a snack or a ride, so it was an unusual treat for both of us.

Donna has been one of two of the angels championing the meal donations for our family over the last five weeks. She's also been the "go to" woman for those who've been searching for more info on our situation, which has put her in a somewhat awkward position, not knowing exactly what I would want her to divulge. Its the tricky part of my diagnosis- if I had cancer or a broken leg, one would not hesitate to state plainly and factually what was going on. But there exists an unspoken stigma in our culture when it comes to depression or other psychological impairments....the reality of which is that there are millions suffering in silence with diseases no one wants to discuss....and sometimes those secrets have tragic consequences.

I live in a smallish suburb of Pittsburgh. Most of the people in my community are aware, from one source or another, that I'm having a difficult time right now. And what is so amazing, really, is that everyone seems to get it, and some are even sharing their own journeys with me, of depression or anxiety- being on meds- feeling crazy.

Perhaps when this time in my life has passed, and I'm out and about like I used to be, I will get some stares, and maybe there will be some whispers. But I've decided not to care about that, because deep in my soul, the truth seems much more important right now- and there is a sacredness to sharing your imperfections without caution- I believe there is a unity formed- with humanity- amongst those of us who are suffering or have suffered- the mothers who feel crazy sometimes and then feel guilty because they don't love this job as much as they think they should.

My truth is that I'm just getting by right now. I'm no longer clinging to my husband for dear life, as I was when I first left the hospital, but I'm not walking in my old shoes yet either. Some days I feel okay- like maybe I see the light at the end of this tunnel and I'm getting there, then other times, like last night, when my head feels so heavy that I can't imagine taking one more step, and the light has faded. I don't know why this has happened to me- a combination of post-partum depression laced with drug interactions and allergies is my best guess right now. And its hard. And sometimes I just want to quit.

Tonight, this is just what I needed to say.


ljaymc said...

Judy - I think you are an amazingly strong woman with a powerful ability to write about these experiences so openly and honestly. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Lisa

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Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States
Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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