Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Good

I wanted to chat, for a minute, about something which isn't my normal "mother diatribe"....it's been on my mind and I thought I'd throw it out there into the blogosphere for deep contemplation, this cold and snowy evening. I went to the hair salon last week and I went all by myself, which we all know is surely a miracle of Jesus, for obvious reasons. Normally when given the privilege of leaving my home to have my head groomed, to the max, I can barely hold myself still in the chair- I'm so giddy. This appointment, however, I found myself in such deep distress, as I sat in front of a full-length mirror, gazing at my body with disgust. It didn't help that I was tired, but mainly I was just sad. I have a lot going for me in life and if the ol' cliche' "its what's on the inside that counts" worked, I'd be on top of the world- believe me, my insides rate a 10! But I'm carrying around a lot of extra weight, mostly from the last five years (the last two kids), and it is a burden of such magnificent proportions that it is hard to put into words what it is like to wake up everyday in this skin. I have a big job- four souls to raise, a house to manage, a marriage to think of (once and a while)...and its there waiting for me no matter what. And some days its harder than others, especially when you feel like what's on the outside is so deplorable- such a misrepresentation of who you are. That's where I'm at right now and I have no answers, no morsels of hope to proclaim, no perfect endings to bring my post to a close.

I wonder where you are, right now, in your journey and what things you find your heart aching over some days- maybe a relationship gone wrong, a job tried and failed, dreams which lay dormant and unrealized; maybe you have memories that you stow away in the darkest corners of your mind so you don't face that pain anymore- but they keep coming back; maybe you need to quit something - a bad relationship, drinking, smoking, bingeing, and the strength just isn't there- and you keep going back. maybe you just need to know, deep down in your soul, that you are good-

a friend made a copy of this song for me a couple of years ago. close your eyes and breathe it in....every word

1 comments:

Wanderer said...

I became pregnant for the first time in May of 1991. My second baby (who was 20 months old at the time) weaned herself right around Easter of 1994.

During that whole time, I was either pregnant or nursing or pregnant AND nursing (or nursing 2 for part of the time). Right around the time my "baby" weaned, I started doing prerequisites for nursing school. Then I survived nursing school. Then I started working nights. I found myself eating all night to stay awake.

I gained a lot of weight. At 5'5", I weighed almost 200 pounds.

Over the course of the next 3 years, I lost the weight bit by bit....I'm now 40 lbs less than I was then.

Please don't be so sad about your weight and body. You gained the weight, bit by bit while you were busy nurturing those four amazing souls that you have at home. Be patient with yourself, and let yourself make tiny changes that will add up over time.

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Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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