Saturday, December 22, 2007

Over The River And Through The Woods...

to Grandmother's house we went....and Auntie Wendy's and Jennifer's and Mary Anne's...

we had a whirlwind visit to Maryland this past week. In typical "Letterman" fashion, here is my TOP TEN:

10. Wanting to drive my car off an embankment after listening to three of my four lovely children whine, scream, fight for the first two hours of our road trip. I kept fantasizing about driving with my left hand and smacking the @#%$ out of Benjamin, sitting just behind me and to the right, with a flyswatter. Of course, most people, including myself, don't carry such weapons in their vehicles but I may start. "Moooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyy....I not like this music...Lily not sharing her gum...MOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYY...OPEN MY WAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR BOTTTTTTTTTTTTLE (BEN- I'M DRIVING- ASK LILY)..BUT I WANT YOU TO DO IT, MOMMY. How much longer, Mooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyy (that was 20 minutes into the 5 hour drive), I HATE YOU LIAM...........I HATE EVERYBODY............I HAVE TO PEEEEEEEEEEEEE, Mommmmmmmmmmmmy. I have to poooooooooooooooooop Mommmmmmmmmmmy. Mommmy? Why you not talking Mommmy? MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYY..are you listening to me MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? Where's Daddy?
9. Bribing Lily with the promise of the DVD "High School Musical 2" if she would take her brother into the reststop to poop and then wipe his heinie, while I nursed a very hungry Seth in the front seat of the van. Clearly, I have no shame. ("Mommy- that was so disgusting!!!!!!" welcome to my world, Lily. sigh)
8. Knocking over two dogs, a cat, and six children (4 of whom were mine), just to get to the bottle of tequila. which my sistah Wendy had waiting for me when we finally arrived in Maryland. Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a good margarita, people. Believe me.
7. Realizing that I am indeed NOT smarter than a fifth grader (or a first grader, for that matter), while playing the board game of the same name at my long-lost but newly found buddy Jennifer's (Jennifly) house. I mean, really...true or false "granite is an igneous rock" is a dumb question and who in their right mind harbors that kind of trivia in their brains when most of the space is being reserved for the lyrics to all of the songs from the 1980s (the last decade I can recall actually learning the words to songs- now I just hum them like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman).
6. Yes you can breastfeed your baby while holding a margarita...I seem to have a reputation which precedes me. And how interesting it is to be imbibing at the kitchen table instead of on the floor of a frat house, eh Jen? :)
5. The Chinese not only produce lead-laden baby toys, but they also seem to have issues with hallucinating while labeling blankets for stupid American consumers such as myself. Perhaps I am too harsh- I mean, I'm sure its easy to confuse a poorly manufactured textile for the shorn hair of a fine four-legged creature. This information being relevant because I very proudly bestowed a rather lovely ALPACA throw on my soul mate, Mary Anne, for Christmas, whose tag reads "100% polyester!!" Can I have another margarita, please?
4. Mary Anne switched me away from my drink of choice to another intoxicating substance called "chocolate peanut butter malt balls." I didn't need to lose any of that baby weight anyway....
3. Noshing on rotisserie tofu at one of the best vegetarian restaurants on earth-the Berwyn Cafe, in College Park. It was great chatting with co-owner Kathy, and watching Seth fall head over heels in love with her and vice versa. I could totally go vegan if she and her husband, Tahl, would just move to Pittsburgh and cook for me everyday. Though Seth did not care for the hummus I tried to feed him- spitting the minute portion on his tongue half way across the room, while coughing so much I looked like a moron. I don't know, I guess I thought hummus might be a good starter food. Maybe not.
2. Buying Tom 13 fab dress shirts at the ol' thrift store on 450 then taking them to Zips for cleaning and pressing with heavy starch. I am certain that the mafia runs the dry cleaning business in the burgh because we can get shirts done for half the price in Maryland, not even mentioning that any garment is only $1.75 to dryclean. one of only a few things we miss about the D.C. area.
1. Listening to the Junkies morning radio show again- several guys from my graduating class in High School who have found amazing success with their sports talk show- they took over Howard Stern's time slot when he moved to Sirius. Mostly they gab about women, MILFs, sex, porn, male genitalia and other wildly inappropriate subjects, with some sports thrown in for good measure, but man, they make me laugh out loud and I REALLY miss their company in the car in the mornings (for instance, Johnny "Cakes" Auville, who had 3 years of English with me at Roosevelt, spent a good 15 minutes discussing the ins and outs of his size-compromised penis, while his wife, Amy, who was a sorority sister of mine at Towson University, phoned in to reassure all of us listeners and her hubby, that she sees no problems with his performance, as a result. Now, that is entertainment- and who knew I would one day be privvy to any of this info, while suffering through essay writing on the worst book ever written- Billy Budd- in Ms. Pohl's AP English class). If you are around my husband and I long enough, you will hear lingo we adopted from the Junkies-things like "hur-ting" and "money" as adjectives. We are dorks and so are they. Pittsburgh ain't got nothin' on the DC radio scene. For a few brief seconds, and I mean, BRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEF, I contemplated moving back just to hear those guys on a regular basis again.

We are very happy to be home, where we belong, but these visits make us miss our remarkable friends and my parents so very very much.

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Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States
Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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