Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Back To Basics


Its almost 9pm and I'm exhausted. It has been a long day- filled with fun things as well as arduous tasks. I've been thinking a lot tonight about obligations and how I need less of them at this point in my life. I've got a husband who's travelling for the next two days. I've got two kids getting school pictures taken tomorrow, one of whom has been temporarily displaced from her room by my visiting parents [so her clothes are not organized in a dresser and we can't find a good "photographing" outfit]. I had to run out at 8:15, to the pharmacy, to pick-up a prescription I had to take tonight. I had to make lunches, write checks for pictures and pizza, sign Lily's agenda, feel guilty that Liam didn't do his reading homework, and, last but not least, wipe the puddle of ice cream off of my shoe that some offspring of mine spilled and decided to leave there for me to clean up [no I'm not bitter- just tired]. And the icing on the cake of all of this [pardon the pun] is that today is MY MOM'S BIRTHDAY- and she's here and this evening, for her "party", I had to try very hard to bury my cranky-cuss word side and show my appreciation for the fact that she was born 66 years ago today and that I love her. We should have had the party over breakfast- I would have been a lot better behaved. Ugh. (sorry Mom). a nutshell...........I feel like what I've been doing lately, purging all of the extracurricular agenda items from my days, is so important and the simpler I can make things for myself, the more joy I will find as a mother. But, at the same time, I feel real trepedation with doing this- "what if I lose all my friends, and by not being involved, my days will go back to the way they were when we first moved here and I didn't know anyone and I wanted to leap off a bridge?" My ADD side (here I go again), or my ultra-creative side, or my extroverted side, is always inclined to DO MORE. And for nearly a decade, since my first child was born, I have continued to live my life in this manner- forcing a ton of "running around" into my schedule so that I would not be isolated from the movement of the world. Being a full-time mom is hard in that regard- it is isolating by nature- since our culture is not imbedded with communal living or even "village-style" living. Sigh. Where is the balance-my children are so precious to me- they make up an enormous chunk of my spirit- and the last thing I want is for life to speed by, with all the "stuff" dangling over me, and wake up with no more time left to absorb the wonder of their beings.


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Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States
Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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