Friday, September 7, 2007

Emotions


Tonight at about 9:45, Liam had a meltdown- his first in a VERY LONG TIME. His poor soul could no longer cope with the rigors of keeping up with his brother and dear friends Abigail and Elizabeth, and he just hurled himself onto the blow-up mattress, banging his head and kicking, much like he used to in the early years. Those outbursts used to drive me crazy, making me believe that my son was surely on his way to becoming a serial killer or something equally as horrifying and socially unacceptable. But this evening, I laid down next to him, cradling him close to me, and I thought of how many times, in the last few months since Seth's birth, that I have felt such similar emotions- throwing my spirit into a tirade larger than my physical self could handle- not knowing how to recover and start over. Exhaustion is so very hard to cope with and it got the best of Budge- as it does for me. Finally, after a good half-hour of relentless tantrums, he settled in bed with me and asked me to read him two books: Johnny Appleseed and The Bears, and The Very Hungry Caterpillar. I relished every second of my time with him, soaking up all of the wonderful feelings of having my first baby boy in my arms, all to myself, even for that short stint. I don't get to do much holding these days, with all the nursing of Seth, directing Benjamin, and general household duties. I miss Liam and love him so much. We have this wonderful thing that we do: I say "I love you more than you love me..." and he says "that's not possible!" and I respond "KimPossible!" and then we switch it around the other way, with him going first. Tonight I changed it some- as I cuddled his weary being- I whispered "I love you more than you'll ever believe- EVER."

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Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States
Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.

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